While I was sat in my pyjamas at 6am, watching William and Kate single-handedly save the British monarchy and by extension all of civilisation (and giggle at the word “poorer”), I had a sudden, uncomfortable realisation. I missed a massive opportunity to make some cash.

Every single TV channel here was saturated with English voices, most offering almost no insight whatsoever. Stand up, Imogen Lloyd Webber, and your repeated observation that the Prince and his bride were “keeping it real, keeping it royal”. See also cod psychologist *cough* body language expert Judi James, Cat Deeley (really? Why?) and assorted randoms clogging up the breakfast show sofas. I’d mistakenly assumed that as someone with zero royalist credentials, I’d not be wanted. I was obviously wrong.

In the meantime, we had wall-to-wall coverage of every single nugget that the presenters could glean from the error-strewn binders some intern had thrown together. Fox, as you’d imagine, takes the crown. Even so, when it was all over, I found myself channel surfing for Joan Rivers’ take on it all. Nowhere to be found, dammit.

And neither was Obama – Barack and Michelle weren’t invited because this wasn’t a state occasion. (Even if William and Kate’s spin down the Mall in Dad’s convertible had the air of the Obama’s inauguration walkabout.) Instead, all the heads of state of various Commonwealth countries were stuck in the cheap seats. Which had the inadvertent effect of making a British royal wedding seem strangely Euro – a sea of white faces, and a peculiarly young, photogenic couple in the spotlight. Not exactly what we’re used to.

My favourite moment of the morning? Mid-vows, when Kate Middleton burst out laughing at the word “poorer”. Like that’ll ever happen.

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